The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
