is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
