Just fell off a train. Bad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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