I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
