We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
