are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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