I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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