I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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