one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
