she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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