Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
