I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dick very happy bro
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