I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
