i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bring me that man meat
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
