so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
