the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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