I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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