well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
