he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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