So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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