I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
