Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I will die if light touches me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
