Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
