I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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