Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just blew my weed a kiss
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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