Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
