Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
