"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
