I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
