she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
