My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
