Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
