A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
