I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
