a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
