I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i think my cat just said my name.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
