Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
