First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
