Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
