So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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