I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
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you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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