Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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