why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
