i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
