Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
