I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
