oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
