I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
