What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
