I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
