Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
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I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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