I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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