i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
