That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
