No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
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you mean i was at the winter classic?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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