Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
