His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
