just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
