Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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