she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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