I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
