I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
