if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
