so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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